Wednesday will be 20 years since you made the choice to leave us, to leave me. I know you were in a battle of depression and just wanted your pain to stop. I know you thought we would be ok… and honestly we are ok and in many many ways we are beyond ok. And…

I realized the other day I often blog about my mom and the impact of her loss on my life, but I never blog about my dad. Unintentionally I always talk about someone I haven’t seen in 20 years, yet never mention the most constant person in my life since I was born. Of all…

It has been a week of suicide taking a prominent role in media. Kate Spade, Anthony Bourdain, and the CDC releasing a report on the epidemic of suicide. As I have read many social media posts, especially about the two celebrity deaths, a theme of the posts is shock. People are shocked to hear of…

Focus on putting one foot in front of the other. It is 2:30 am and there is about 2 miles left to walk. Every part of my body is aching, but all I can think of is putting one foot in front of the other. I walk with three others. Our uncontrollable laughter has turned…

At times it can be discouraging being a voice, an advocate, for suicide awareness and prevention. I walk, raise money, march on capitol hill, and provide education, yet every time I hear of another life lost to suicide, my heart sinks and I question if I am, we are, making a difference. At our AFSP…

When my mom died by suicide in 1998 American Foundation for Suicide Prevention was a very new organization in New York City and primarily focused on research. The first AFSP walk took place in 2002… four year after my mom died. I didn’t get involved until 17 years after she died when I did my…

“Just because we are working hard does not mean we are making anything happen.” ― Wayne Muller This week has been a gift for me. No one really gave me anything, but it is something I did have to receive. Over a week ago Matthew tore a calf muscle. Luckily he didn’t need surgery. I…

Since being pregnant with Keaton, I have dread the day he would ask about my mom. I have dreaded explaining how this marvelous women who loved me more than anything decided to take her life. How do I say she left me, but I won’t leave him? How do I explain suicide in an age…

My heart is breaking. I can’t read or watch news without tears streaming down my face. Through the tears is an intense anger… a deep disgust. Almost two years ago I wrote a blog called “the blood splashes.” The blog was inspired by a piece written by David Sedaris on the suicide of his sister.…

“I can’t wait to see your dreams come true.” Such simple words he said to me seven years ago today. It was the day before Valentine’s Day and we were celebrating because we both had to work late on Valentine’s Day. We were at a nice restaurant sharing a yummy meal. As I was finishing…

The superintendent of our school district this week encouraged all staff to pick “one word” to serve as our theme for the year. As I read the challenge a wave of words flooded my head… dream, peace, hope, kindness. Each word having an important place in my daily living and a focus over the last…

It is no secret I love to bake. I started to learn to bake as a child when I would help my mom with cookies and cakes. My grandfather taught how to make pies. About ten years ago I ventured into bread making and I was instantly in love. I joke about baking being my…

I love Christmas time. I love baking, Hallmark Christmas movies, fires in the fireplace, time with family, and I adore decorating the house for Christmas. My mom loved decorating for Christmas too. I wrote a few years ago about one of my favorite traditions of buying an ornament each year for the tree. My parents…

As I was driving home yesterday I was listening to “It’s Quiet Uptown” from Hamilton. First if you have never listened to the musical, this particular song is about the grief Alexander Hamilton and his wife experience after one of their sons dies. It is hauntingly beautiful.  I put the song on repeat and even…

As I have stated many times, when I was pregnant, Matthew and I had a conversation about what we would teach our kid if we could only teach him one thing. I immediately said kindness. I stated if he is kind, I feel like everything else takes care of itself. I continue to stand firm…

Monday is my 38th birthday. Tuesday is 19 years since my mom killed herself. Since my mom died I have always had my 38th birthday in view… it would be the birthday to mark the time I’ve lived as many years without my mom as I lived with her. I remember in the first few…

It is easy to focus on the negativity in our world, especially our country. It is easy to feel like hope is hidden and the division between individuals is only getting wider. It is easy to stay trapped in the negative rhetoric that is on repeat in the media. It is easy to fall into…

The last week the theme of value has been on my mind. We hear the word in many different ways, but how often do we stop to really understand the importance of such a small, little word. Honestly, I know I haven’t. If you ask my what I value you I can quickly list off…

In exactly eleven days I will join thousands of other people for the AFSP Overnight Walk in Washington, DC. We will walk 16-18 miles through the night. The walk starts at 8:00 pm after an opening ceremony and continues until the early hours. It is not a race. No times are kept and no one…

Each Mother’s Day my heart is filled with conflicting emotions. There is a deep sorrow and emptiness while there is also great joy and fullness. I am happy and sad at the same time. Each year at this time, I struggle to hold such conflicting emotions at the same time. For the last 19 years,…