This last weekend was the Chapter Leadership Conference for AFSP… aka my favorite time of the year. I have been going for seven years and each year it feels more and more like the family I always needed… they get me… they love me… they lift me up.

This year was different for me. I was asked to present a few different times… with one being the self-care session on the last day in front of everyone (think hundreds of people). I was honored. I was terrified. I was excited. I was scared. I don’t know of people I admire more than those that were going to be in the room. Not only were there going to be volunteers from all chapters, but also the executive team. That includes people I have admired for years. AFSP Chief Medical Officer Christine Yu Moutier, M.D. (she knows Anderson Cooper and Ashley Judd!!), the Senior VP of Research we all call Dr. Jill (she is the coolest), and the Executive Vice President and Chief Communications Officer Stephanie Rogers. These women are ones I look up to… admire… and I was going to speak in front of them.

I was presenting on the roles of balance and boundaries in self-care… a topic I have spoken on countless time, but this time felt different. It felt different because they needed to know… I needed to tell them why this topic is important. The topic is important not because I’ve read about it or studied it… it is important because of my mom. My mom loved others so loudly she had nothing left for herself. I feel desperate to practice these things so I don’t loose myself like my mom did.

For the first time, I stood in front of an audience and explained to them the love of Cecilia Bigbee. I told stories how she cared so deeply for others. I explained how her loving louder helped so many.

I then explained because she loved others so much, she had nothing left for herself. I reflected on how having Keaton forced me to look at this in my own life. I had to figure out how to love him so fully without loosing me.

I spoke from my heart. I felt like I could freely be myself because of the love in the room. I spoke and others laughed. Some of them cried… and I was grateful.

As I finished and people started to stand to applaud, I was overwhelmed. I was overwhelmed to feel like I made an impact. I was overwhelmed to feel like I fully and completely talked about my mom. My mom was a simple woman that loved more in her 44.5 years than most do in a lifetime.

My mom loved me so well… she just forgot to love herself. I am learning and trying to love others, but also love myself. The journey is not easy, but something tells me my mom is smiling down. I know I am smiling because a room full of people I love, know how Cecilia Bigbee loved… she deserves that.