Amy Bigbee Grosso, PhD

Haven’t always been this way
I wasn’t born a renegade
I felt alone, still feel afraid
I stumble through it anyway

I wish someone would have told me that this life is ours to choose
No one’s handing you the keys or a book with all the rules
The little that I know I’ll tell to you
When they dress you up in lies and you’re left naked with the truth

You throw your head back, and you spit in the wind
Let the walls crack, ’cause it lets the light in
Let ’em drag you through hell
They can’t tell you to change who you are
That’s all I know so far
And when the storm’s out, you run in the rain

These lyrics from P!NK’s song All I Know so Far keep echoing through my head.

I resigned from my current role over a week ago. I wasn’t prepared for the pain and hurt from the last three years to pour over me after my decision.

I was hired Jan of 2020 and boy I had no clue what was in front of me. When COVID hit, I knew it changed everything. I worked tirelessly to find ways to help families with the mental wellbeing of students. Thankful for a partnership with our PTA, we were able to reach more families than I could have imagined. While this felt like the hardest of times, little did I know the real hard times were in front of me.

August 2020 started a journey of being part of starting a school district police department. I was so thankful to be part of the answer of changing the increasing statistics of criminalizing adolescent behavior. Before I knew it, there was funding to add staff to me department (social workers). In a time when it seemed like there were no answers to traditional policing, I was honored to get to be part of the answer to better serving students.

What I was not prepared for was the never ending attacks… maybe I was naive… maybe I am not strong enough… but I struggled to accept people blindly attacking me for no other reason but where I was working. My character has been trashed during public comment in school board meetings and on social media. I was expected to just grow a “thicker skin.” It didn’t matter the truth, because others had ways to trash the work with no evidence.

I thought I could be strong enough to endure the attacks, because I knew what we were doing was best for students. I heard stories each day where students, families were given hope…. and their hope gave me hope…unfortunately this hope was not enough to keep me going.

Put your sword down, dive right into the pain
Stay unfiltered and loud, you’ll be proud of that skin full of scars
That’s all I know so far
That’s all I know so far

So I decided a few weeks ago I had to “put my sword down, dive right into the pain.” And it has been so painful. I thought I would experience relief, which I did for a few days, but the pain has haunted me. I am not sure why… maybe it is because I feel guilty for leaving, when I know there so much more work to. Maybe it is because I feel like leaving will make others capitalize on this opportunity to tear apart what has been created.

What I do know… while I have talked, trained, written on the importance on putting self-care first, finally I had to admit, I am no different than others, and I have to take care of me. The last three years has caused so much pain and trauma. I am sure it will take time to recover… what I do know is my husband and son deserve me to be a better me… I deserve to be a happier me.

So I am leaving… not because the work is done… not because the work is not important. I am leaving because I need to dive into the pain of the last few years. I need to heal. I need to care for me.