Look how far you’ve come…You filled your heart with love

For some reason today, I can’t stop listening to the song, Try Everything. It has been on repeat for majority of today…

I won’t give up
No, I won’t give in ’til I reach the end
Then I’ll start again
No, I won’t leave
I wanna try everything
I wanna try even though I could fail

When I got home tonight I was excited for a night with Matthew and Keaton. The night would involve homemade hamburgers, Baylor football, and baking. As much as I try to pretend and ignore, I can’t forget that tomorrow is my mom’s birthday… she would be 69… yet she will always be 44 to me.

It is a weird feeling to miss her, yet struggle to even understand who she would be today. As I watch Keaton cheer for the Bears as he is eating a burger made by Matthew as I am baking cookies, I struggle to grasp everything. She was so proud Mandy and I went to Baylor. I have such great memories of homemade hamburgers at home. My mom was always baking for others. Her impact is in every part of our evening yet she never met these two amazing guys in my life.

I struggle to reconcile how she is so present yet so absent. It is a gift I see her alive so much in life even though she has been gone for so many years. So tonight, on the eve of her 69th birthday, I celebrate the person she was. The way she loved me so fully… taught me to laugh with my entire body… and how to bake for others to show love. And in some way… I feel like she is saying these words to me….

Look how far you’ve come
You filled your heart with love
Baby, you’ve done enough
Take a deep breath
Don’t beat yourself up
No need to run so fast
Sometimes we come last, but we did our best

Happy Birthday Mom. Thank you for Loving me Louder.

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