August 22, 2021…. exactly 23 years since my mom died. August 21, 2021, is the celebration of my 42nd year of life. As much as I try to ignore this pull of emotions… a pull of celebration and grief that has haunted me for 23 years…
A friend through twitter and AFSP.org mentioned how grief feels like a Mack track the other day…. I agreed saying and it hits you when you don’t expect it.
When your birthday is the day before the anniversary of your mom killing herself, you are used to your life being complicated… yet each year for some reason you hope that this time of year will bring more joy than grief… and each year you are disappointed to realize your grief of missing your mom is bigger than the joy of your birth… a day that is only possible because of your mother.
This year seems even more complicated… not only is August the month of my birth, the month of my mom’s suicide, but it is also the month of the release of a book I have co-authored. I have found this month my heart is longing more than is excited. As much as I wish I could forget the significance of my mom leaving me, my heart will never forget the impact of her actions. I wish she could see my life today… my accomplishments, my husband, my son…
Grief is so tricky…. we want to control it, we think we can contain it… yet even after 23 years, I realize, and I must accept, grief will always have a place. As much as I have moved forward, as much as my life is different from my life when my mom was alive, her death will always be a part of my life, even if I don’t want it to be. The more I accept this reality, the more I can enjoy the life in front of me. As much as I wish this was not part of my present, I don’t get a choice… my choice is accepting what is so I can fully live in the present.
So on this day a few days before my birthday, I allow myself to fully miss mom, allow myself to feel the grief of her death, allow myself to struggle with there is no escaping this grief even though I love my life today, allow myself to feel the emotions that fully encompass me… allow myself to be sad even though I wish to be happy.
Amy Bigbee Grosso, PhD 
One response to “A grief that can’t be spoken”
Precious Amy, this one brought me to tears. As we all know, your mom did not mean to cause you this great and lasting pain. She loved all of you intensely. I am hugging you, brave girl.
On Thu, Aug 19, 2021 at 8:02 PM Amy Bigbee Grosso, PhD wrote:
> AmyBigbeeGrosso.com posted: ” August 22, 2021…. exactly 23 years since > my mom died. August 21, 2021, is the celebration of my 42nd year of life. > As much as I try to ignore this pull of emotions… a pull of celebration > and grief that has haunted me for 23 years. A friend throug” >