I should be packing to travel to New York City for what would be my sixth Overnight Walk… the one thing I do each year that is about honoring my mom… the one thing that has been a focus for my grief. Each year I have said I am not going to do the next Overnight, yet I am drawn to each walk… yes I raise the funds for the walk (minimum of $1000) and I promote the importance of suicide prevention, education, and awareness… but if I am honest, I walk each year because it is the one way I feel like I can honor my mom, keep her spirit alive, make sense of her killing herself.
In the midst of everything happening, I honestly have not given much thought to this weekend… the date of the Overnight Walk… until tonight. As I looked at my husband I started to cry… to weep. I feel incredibly guilty missing my mom in the midst of so many things happening in our society, yet my heart yearns for my mom even after almost 22 years… I don’t want to miss her, but I do… and I miss the one event a year I devout completely to my grief, to her life, to her legacy.
So on Saturday, I will be doing my own mini walk. I have two friends who have agreed to walk three miles with me each. I will complete the other 10-12 on my own. I know I don’t have to, but my heart needs this ritual. My heart needs me to honor and remember my mom in a meaningful way.
My sister is coming into town for the ritual. We have remembered our mom together at each walk expect for last year (although we were connected more than ever through phones and social media). We have white paper bags and electric candles. If you want your loved one lost to suicide remembered, please let me know and we will honor them… this is a tradition at each overnight.
I know there are so many causes right now, but if you are inclined, people are still dying by suicide at rates higher than ever. You can donate to my walk page. Know I will not ever give up on this cause. My mom deserves it… others deserve to not have to feel this grief.