Hello darkness my old friend, I’ve come to talk with you again…. these song lyrics ran through my head last night. I have been down all week. I attributed it to stress from us moving next week and having to pack our entire house… but I finally was honest with myself and admitted I miss my mom. I miss my mom because of some arbitrary holiday. I don’t want to miss her and yet here I am longing for her. I hate it because I have no control over missing her… I have no control over Hallmark and Target impacting when I miss my mom and long for her.
I knew this Mother’s Day was not going to be ideal or worthy of an Instagram post. As I mentioned we are in the middle of packing and movers are coming to our house in four days. I knew today would be a mix of packing, cleaning, and baseball practice. What I didn’t expect was a 4 am wake-up call. That is when I heard Keaton yelling, “Mommy…. Mommy…. Mommy.” I ran towards his room and find him in the bathroom. I think the smell caught me first and then I see it… poop everywhere… on the floor… toilet lid… and all over his legs. He clearly was struggling with some mighty diarrhea and he was not winning the battle.
I quickly run to get the cleaner that was handy from me completely scrubbing his bathroom five hours earlier in the day. The positive of the entire situation was I had packed the bathmats so no poop on them! As I took time cleaning the bathroom and Keaton, I had to laugh to myself and say, “Happy Mother’s Day.” I went with him to his room and neither of us slept the rest of the night. He gave me lots of kisses and hugs.
When Matthew got up he ran out to get me breakfast tacos, pop-tarts and chocolate covered strawberries. He added this to the treats he had already bought me (a thoughtful card, wine, and chocolate… he knows me well). The day involved lots of packing, cleaning, and a nap! As we all watched TV together tonight I realized what an incredibly lucky mom I am. I don’t depend on one day for Matthew and Keaton to make me feel special… they do it everyday. Matthew everyday is the type of partner who helps to make life work for both of us. Keaton always lets me know how much he loves me.
We were all together on Keaton’s bed saying our gratefuls tonight. Even though the day was not a Mother’s Day to make others jealous, it was the Mother’s Day I needed and will always remember. It was a day for me to reflect and realize I am not lucky one day, but everyday of the year. There was not a fancy brunch or picture perfect moments… it was a day of our little family working together for our next chapter. It was a day for me to realize how much everyday I feel such incredible love. It was a day for me to be grateful for this life.
I might not be able to control missing my mom on this holiday, but I can control how I respond to the highs and lows of life. I might not be able to control the longing I have for her in my heart, but I can control not being upset with a 4 am, poop filled wake-up.
As I was kissing Keaton good night, he looked at me and said he wished he could meet my mom…. little does he know, he reminds all of us of her more than anything has these last 21 years.
Amy Bigbee Grosso, PhD 