I sat down yesterday fully prepared to write a blog about the heaviness this week, and honestly this entire month, brings me each year. I was ready to share how determined I was this time not to hate my birthday or let the loss of my mom the very next day consume me. Yet, once again, the familiar emotions crept in, leaving me wondering how many more years August will carry these shadows. The truth is, I was low and feeling sorry for myself. I have spent 26 birthdays not as celebrations, but as reminders of grief… dreading the memory of my mom taking her life on August 22, 1998.

I fully intended to write that blog yesterday, but kept putting it off. If I’m being honest, I was binging The Summer I Turned Pretty while Matthew and Keaton were in Rochester for a ninja competition. It was my first night alone at home since we moved, and I let the time slip away until suddenly it was 4:00 and time to watch Keaton compete. I’ll admit, watching him via livestream is far more nerve-racking than being there in person. I was glued to the screen as the other athletes went, anxiously waiting for his turn. We knew this one would be tough since it’s the World Ninja League Premier Series, and the level of competition in this region is fierce.

As Keaton stepped up to run the final course, there was a moment that completely melted my heart. Matthew was serving as his coach, and just as Keaton was about to begin, he motioned for Matthew to come back over. He pulled him in for a hug and kissed him on the head. In that instant, any resentment or dread I’d been carrying about this month disappeared. Because in that one moment, I realized the life I have now is more beautiful than I ever could have imagined. My birthday and the day after may always carry pain, but if I stay grounded in the present and refuse to let the past overshadow my life, I can experience peace.

This doesn’t mean the grief disappears, or that I won’t always carry trauma from that summer. But it does mean I can begin to release some of the pain I’ve held onto by trying to stay in the present. I can be grateful for these two incredible guys in my life who love me so fiercely. It means I can give myself permission to celebrate my birthday, not because the past is forgotten, but because I deserve to live in the moment rather than be haunted by what came before.

So this year, instead of dreading the calendar turning to August, I’m choosing to honor both my past and my present. I loved my mom more than I can say and have never questioned her love for me… nothing can ever take that away. I will always miss her. I will always feel the ache of what happened twenty-seven years ago. And at the same time, when I stay rooted in the present, it’s the love I feel and see daily that feeds my soul. I’m choosing to celebrate the life I’ve built, the love that carries me, and the resilience that continues to grow inside me. I no longer have to let pain define this month. I can let joy in, even here. I can choose to live fully — birthday and all — in the beautiful life unfolding right in front of me.