About a month ago, I presented at AFSP Chapter Leadership Conference on the role of balance and boundaries in self-care. I spoke from my heart. I was honest and vulnerable. I focused on how my mom loved every one so loud, she had nothing left to love herself. In probably the most vulnerable moment, I admitted, I had spent so much time trying to save my mom, but she was gone and I couldn’t save her… and I needed to save me… I needed to love me louder.

My dad is so special to me. He gets my thinking more than anyone else. I have always been told I am his carbon copy and as each year passes it is more and more true. He has always been my biggest cheerleader and this has even increased the last 25 years since mom died. Of course I sent him the video recording of my session at the AFSP conference and of course he watched it.

This weekend my dad was in town to watch Keaton compete at regionals for tier 2 World Ninja League (fyi Keaton got second and did great). As my dad and I were going to the competition just the two of us, he shared there was a song from the Ed Sheeran album divided he wanted me to hear. We had told him about Ed Sheeran and he loved his song Perfect so he bought the album. He then started to play the song Save Myself. My dad explained the words reminded him of my talk about loving yourself louder.

I gave all my oxygen to people that could breathe
I gave away my money and now we don’t even speak
I drove miles and miles, but would you do the same for me?
Oh, honestly?
Offered off my shoulder just for you to cry upon
Gave you constant shelter and a bed to keep you warm
They gave me the heartache and in return I gave a song
It goes on and on

As the song continued to play, as always, dad understood me so well. As the song came to an end, I looked at my dad and said Ed Sheeran must have been in my soul when he wrote the words. My mind went back to the last few years and how much I sacrificed myself for others… for what I thought was the right thing… yet at the same time, I have felt left… felt left on the shelf.

And all the ones that love me they just left me on the shelf
My farewell
So before I save someone else, I’ve got to save myself

These words have continued to run through my head the last two days. For so many of us that are destined to be givers, we struggle to ever stop giving everything to others… it isn’t that it is selfish, it is that it goes against our being… it is unnatural… we at times don’t even know how to do it. I know there have been different times in my life when I love me better than others… yet I always find myself having to remind myself it is ok to love myself.

I know I don’t want Keaton to see me loving others to the detriment of me loving myself… this is not the example I want to give. I wish I could love me just because I need to… but until then, the idea of being his example is the motivation I will take.

And before I blame someone else, I’ve got to save myself
And before I love someone else, I’ve got to love myself